Last Will and Testament

Solemn. Sober. Stern. Any of these serious sounding alliterative adjectives would describe your typical will swearing ceremony. A lawyer ordering an oath and a notary confirming affidavits for a crowd contemplating their own untimely demise are usually not fodder for comedy unless you live in a Seth Rogen movie. Apparently, my infant twins have yet to learn this fact.

The Last Will and Testaments of Rachel and William Klug actually came into being well before the twins were born. Back in July we drafted wills and made an appointment to sign them. A few cancelled appointments and two premature babies later, the wills laid unsigned on some Navy lawyer's desk for months. A few weeks ago, a work colleague passed on unexpectedly and the topic of wills was thrust back to the collective Klug consciousness, so we finally got around to rescheduling our will signing appointment. Someone somewhere once said, "Kids complicate everything," Whoever it was, that person deserves a Nobel Prize for insight.

Rachel and I showed up to sign our wills and swear them into affect with two kids in tow. A legal secretary seated the four us in a conference room along with a few other people. They all seemed as determined as I was to leave their college debt, big screen TV and baseball cards to someone else. Remember the solemn ceremony I spoke of earlier? It did not take place. Actually, my flirty daughter and my stand-up comedian son prevented it from taking place. The following is the actual discourse sworn into court records:

Lawyer: "Please raise your right hands and repeat after me."

Six people raise their hands. Male child begins to squirm.

Lawyer: "I, state your name, do solemnly swear..."

Six people repeat, while male child grabs mother's nostril and pinches while squealing.

Lawyer: "...that the Last Will and Testament before me...."

Male child creates fart noise with mouth. Three people repeat lawyer, three others laugh.

Lawyer: "...is a true and accurate representation of my desires,"

Female child audibly belches and vomits onto father's military uniform. Male child laughs. Mother stands and begins pacing the room and shushing male child. Only two people repeat after lawyer.

Lawyer: "and I have signed said will of my own regard,"

Male child makes another fart noise then throws head back and laughs. Father wipes infant vomit onto daughter's shirt. The woman seated across from father and daughter scowls. One man repeats after lawyer, but doesn't even say the correct words.

Lawyer: "without coercion or..."

Lawyer trails off inaudibly while male child laughs at top of lungs.

Ten second pause. Lawyer looks at mother, who bounces and shushes male child. Father of children fights to take blue ink pen away from daughter, who grabbed it off of table while he was cleaning vomit. Finally, silence envelops room.

Lawyer: without coercion or..." Male child erupts into Pee-Wee Herman type laughter. Mother moves to furthest corner of room to try to quiet child. Daughter begins flailing and slapping her drool covered hands on legal documents, leaving wet hand prints. Four people, including lawyer and infant girl, begin laughing.

The ceremony proceeded on like that for a while. The lawyer would attempt to speak, and Micah would squeal with laughter. Malorie pounded on the table until the innocent woman across the table would look at her, and then Mal would grin and look away. Finally, after realizing he was not going to win, the lawyer blitzed through the oath at the speed of sound. No one understood what he said, much less was able to repeat after him - they were all too focused on the kids. At the end of his speech, after we all mumbled our best attempt at what the lawyer had just said, he instructed us to lower our right hands, even though none of us still had it raised.

Mercifully finished administering an oath to no one, the defeated attorney broke from legal decorum, proclaiming, "That kid is hilarious!" The wills were signed and notarized, and all the other participants left while Rachel and I tried to strap two squealing, squirming kids into car seats while holding official documents. Final score - Klug Crew 1, Legal Establishment 0. Take that Seth Rogen.