Confessions of The Worst Ninja in the World

Ninjas are quiet. Stealth. Unseen. They can do all sorts of flips and jumps and never make a sound. Most ninjas know karate, or some sort of kung fu too. They get cool missions and have to perform them in the cover of night. Recently Rachel gave me a night mission to do, and by doing so I learned I am easily the worst ninja in the world.

The tale of the sucky ninja goes something like this: Malorie has decided that she will only sleep on her stomach. We can put her down on her back, dead asleep, and within five seconds she is on her tummy. Rachel and I are all right with this, as she seems to sleep better face down and the doctors say it's OK if the twins roll that way on their own. But, the belly sleeping baby has one problem to deal with: Diapers. Diapers are made to absorb liquid as it runs from front to back. But when Mal rolls over, sticks her butt in the air and goes to sleep, all the liquid runs the other way, eventually overpowering the diaper and causing a leak. This leak wakes Malorie up in the middle of the night, and she then wakes everyone else in the house. This was clearly a job for a ninja. Get in, roll the baby over, ensure absorbency, get out.

Since neither Rachel nor I know any kung fu moves, I was chosen to be the ninja for the next best reason - I stay up later at night. Since ninjas work under a blanket of darkness, I figured I would be better at it then Rachel. I mean, who has ever heard of a ninja that is in bed by 9 pm? So, I dressed up in my sneakiest house pants and puffiest socks and began my first stealth diaper changing mission.

The mission got off to a good start as I silently opened to door to the babies room. However, things quickly got hairy when I looked to my right and saw Micah staring straight at me and smiling. I made it 0.2 seconds before being detected, puffy socks and all. For the rest of the mission, Micah continued to watch me, sucking his thumb and smiling the whole time.

Once I arrived at Mal's crib, I expected things to go better. I flipped her over without a sound, and then one by one quietly unsnapped her pajamas. However, disposable diapers are not a good tool for ninjas as they are super loud. When you first unfold at new diaper, they crinkle and crack, and as soon as you undo the flaps any child in a mile vicinity will instantly perk up. Of course I didn't realize that until I pulled the flaps from the replacement diaper and Mal awoke. For the next thirty seconds or so, Malorie Rose didn't cry one bit. She just screamed "nnn-GACK, nnn-GACK" at the top of her lungs and squirmed to try to return to her preferred sleep position on her stomach.

I desperately tried to get the diaper on while maintaining my cover. I wrestled her back onto her back. "nnn-GACK" she yelled. I worked at getting her used diaper off like a starving man trying to get into a bag of gummy worms. "nnn-GACK, nnn-GACK." I was using one hand and an elbow to hold the baby down as the other hand fumbled in the dark to unlatch the used diaper off the twisting child. "nnn-GACK" Finally, as I was just about to resort to using my teeth, I got the diaper undone and stuck the fresh one into place. "nnn-GACK, nnn-GACK" Malorie protested, but I was into the home stretch.

"What's going on?" I heard Rachel say from in the other bedroom, but no ninja is foolish enough to blow his cover and reply, so I continued on in silence. Malorie answered for me..."nnn-GACK" she shouted to her mom. Micah giggled in his crib. Undaunted, I continued to work feverishly, praying I was not snapping a button from the leg portion of the pajamas to a button from the midsection. As I finished my job, Mal's protestations started coming more rapidly. I used the hand that I had not used to touch the pee-diaper to put her pacifier in her mouth. She spit it out and yelled. Gathering up what dignity and courage I had left, I heaved the dirty diaper somewhere in the vicinity of the Diaper Geenie. It was dark, so it was hard to tell, but I probably got it either in the garbage or behind the dresser. Either way, my ninja instincts told me there would be no trace of me ever being there. Without making another sound I made for the door. Mal yelled one last time for good measure, Micah continued to stare and smile. I closed the door and crept away, trying not to smile because I don't think ninjas smile. As disheartening as it was, I could not even do this, as I began to laugh as I stood outside the bedroom door.